Comments on: Taking the Blame

By: Robert

Robert — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 12:07:52 +0000

What about if you take the blame while innocent, just to keep a peaceful environment at your office?

By: zeyna

zeyna — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 10:29:41 +0000

easier said than done. In my job I don’t have the freedom to say anything I like and if I really want to I might as well write my resignation letter first. I keep reading all these things about positive thinking and talking but when everthing comes down to real life nothing seems to work. I guess all this negativity is enough.

By: Ellen

Ellen — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 14:20:24 +0000

PS to the above: along with “can’t” and “I’m not able,” I’m also going to stop using “sorry” and “afraid” with regards to my schedule, as in “I’m sorry I’m not available . . .” and “I’m afraid I can’t make it at that time.” Taking charge of my time, I feel a hell of a lot LESS sorry and afraid!

By: Ellen

Ellen — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 04:07:55 +0000

Martha, first of all, you’ve saved my life many times and in many ways. Thank you. Someday I’ll write it all out in the book-length thank-you you deserve.

What you say about language here thrills me. I have gotten much better about the Weasel business because, as you say, it’s a bad use of energy. Now I need to work on the victimy language. In particular, I’ve recently started to take charge of my time by putting several blocks of un-spoken-for time in my calendar each week, at random. At a glance (by me or others) it looks like that time is booked, so I don’t make appointments during those hours. This has helped me get from Insanely Overscheduled to Actually Spending Time on Things That Matter. Huge! But now I’d like to change the way I communicate with people who ask for my time (life) in bits and pieces for stupid committee work and silly meetings that predictibly end with nothing new accomplished. I’d like to stop saying “I’m sorry, I can’t meet at that time.” I’d LOVE to say “I’m choosing not to . . . ” or “I don’t want to . . . ” but I don’t think I’m quite ready to blast that wall open. What I CAN do at this point is say “My next open time slot is [date three weeks away]” or “I’m not adding anything else to my schedule for the rest of the month.” I actually have the freedom in my job to say things like this. Why the hell I haven’t been doing it all along is a mystery.

Even practicing these messages in this comment makes me feel less victimy and helpless! Thank you again, and all good wishes to you.

By: Kristi

Kristi — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 17:04:35 +0000

I have a question about taking responsibility and how it relates to adult victims of abuse and exploitation. There’s an assumption that, because the victim was an adult, they “consented” to being in an abusive situation, they had “choice.” But there are many situations in which the power dynamic is such that the victim was not able to give authentic consent and instead complied with or submitted to the abuser—quite different from giving consent. (Consider clergy and therapist abuse.) Now, I believe in personal responsibility and owning one’s choices. But that’s a very confusing situation to come out of because the victims don’t really understand whether they consented or not, and the tendency is for them to blame themselves for getting into an abusive situation and not getting out. We don’t want to say that they “chose” the abuse. But it’s very hard to move out of victim mentality without taking some kind of responsibility—and without blaming themselves for something that was not their fault. I realize this is a very challenging topic, but I’d be interested in hearing any insights. Thanks!