Lame Animal Totem: Tardigrade

tardigradeThe Tardigrade is a truly wondrous creature: an eight-legged microscopic beastie also known as the “moss piglet” that can go without food or water for more than ten years, live in the vacuum of space, stew in boiling water, and keep waddling onward, good as new. 
 
Tardigrade energy is the totem of people who just will not freaking STOP, the spirit animal of all who believe everyone needs to hear about their gruesome dental history, their endless arguments with ex-spouses, the exploits of their moss-piglet children. 
 
Which reminds me: Tardigrade is also the totem of Things That Aren’t As Cute As You Think. When Tardigrade blubs into the mucous membranes of your life, ask a non-Tardigrade person if your favorite rhinestone sports bra really fits in at the elder-care center, how coworkers genuinely feel about your compulsion to massage them, and whether anyone but you thinks it’s adorable when your puppy screams like a child. If the message is STOP, do so, even though Tardigrade will tell you to go on, and on, and on, and on….

Lame Animal Totem: Turducken

Turducken is a dish consisting of a deboned chicken stuffed into a deboned duck, which is in turn stuffed into a deboned turkey. If turducken is your totem animal, you have multiple layers of limp energy with no solid internal structure whatsoever.  

Turducken energy is complicated, overstuffed, and excessive. When Turducken waddles onto your table, you can be sure your goose is cooked on many levels. For example,

you may be trapped in a terrible relationship, unrewarding job, or unsatisfying ménage a trois because you lack the backbone God gave your feathered brethren. Call on Turducken to help you absorb the toxic vibes of your oversharing coworker. Muffle the unkind barbs of your in-laws between your layers like so much cornbread stuffing. Drown the lamentations of your detractors in your rich, succulent juices. They won’t have the strength to protest, because you’re so damn tasty.

Lame Animal Totem: Aardwolf

The Aardwolf, as I’m sure you know, is a stripy hyena-like creature from Africa that can excrete a full tenth of its body weight in one magnificent defecation. (How much would you excrete if you were an Aardwolf?  Would it be more or less than you can lift?) A single Aardwolf can consume a quarter read more…

Lame Animal Totem: Hamster

Few hamster owners realize that their pets carry the powerful energy of intense passion and artistic aspiration that for some reason always ends up being considered amusing and adorable. If you doubt Hamster’s depth, please click this link to observe the moving death throes acted out by these talented little nuggets of cuteness. If you read more…

Lame Animal Totem: Pacu

Take a look at your teeth. If they resemble those of the pacu fish, pictured here, the pacu just might be your animal totem! The pacu played a starring role in an episode of River Monsters, a television program featuring intrepid angler Jeremy Wade. The aptly-named-Wade went right into bodies of water in Papua New read more…

Lame Animal Totem: Hagfish

Hagfish, also called “slime eels,” are similar to (follow closely, here) extremely slimy eels. Some experts call them “a degenerate type of vertebrate-fish” because they have skulls but no vertebrae. Others just avoid them.   In addition to its degeneracy, Hagfish energy is spineless, squishy, slithery, and rank. If Hagfish is your totem, don’t assume read more…

Lame Animal Totem: T Rex

You may think that a huge carnivorous dinosaur would be a good animal totem. It’s so strong and sassy and rambunctious. But in truth, T-Rex energy is the ultimate inner lizard, the totem of fight-or-flight reactions so severe they’ll cause you to burn down your house because there’s a spider in the basement. As you read more…

Lame Animal Totem: The Lemming

Our animal totem for this month, the Lemming, is a cute little thing—perhaps too cute for its own good. Lemmings reproduce in such numbers that every four years or so, their population density becomes so extreme that they all flee to the suburbs—which is problematic because they have no cities. When they encounter a body read more…

Lame Animal Totem: The Roundish Flatworm

The roundish flatworm is the hypothetical earliest animal ever to have developed bilateral symmetry. Its proper name, “urbilaterian,” is just its way of trying to sound important. Roundish flatworms are profoundly unevolved. They carry the energy of unintentional rudeness, deep insensitivity, and naïve indifference to suffering. If the roundish flatworm is your totem, then like read more…

Lame Animal Totem: “Dog Vomit” Slime Mold

Just when you thought no creature could have a name worse than “oak titmouse,” behold: the “Dog Vomit” Slime Mold. Which is an actual thing. (Right? I know!) Anyway, slime mold behaves like a bunch of isolated, single-celled organisms until the cells suddenly decide to cohere and act like a single creature, creating polyps and read more…