So when I was depressed and miserable, which describes the first half of my life, I used to complain, you know, not—I thought I was being pretty respectful of other people’s privacy, but they felt annoyed by how much I asked, “How do I feel better?”

And a lot of the times people would say, “Well, if you’re depressed or you’re anxious, just let it go, Martha. Let it go.” And I would say, “I don’t have it. It has me.” How do you let go? It’s like I have been pinned under a mudslide. “Well, let it go.”

I didn’t know how to let it go. And it took forever for me to figure out that they were giving me exactly the opposite of the right advice. Remember, I often say here and other places, the opposite of the thought that makes you most miserable is your next step toward enlightenment. Well, it drove me crazy when people would say, “Let it go” because I couldn’t let it go. But I didn’t think of the opposite for years. And when I did, it changed my life completely. And the opposite thought is simply, “Let it stay.”

All right, well, I hadn’t tried that. I hadn’t tried sitting in total acceptance that it was just going to be there, my anxiety, my depression, my rage. Whatever it was, I’d never just sat with it. I always thought I had to get up and do something.

In fact, today I’m having an unsettled day. And it’s so funny because one of my partners, Karen, runs around saying, “You should call a repairman. You should go to a therapist. Maybe we can get you meds.” And I’m like, “I’m just having a spiritual moment here.” And she’s like, “Well, stop it. Let it go.” Fortunately, this is why it’s good to have two partners, one who does logical and logistical things like Karen and the other one who really can get down with the emotional stuff. So I go—I don’t know how any of you does it with less than two partners. So I go to Rowan and say wah-wah-wah, and she says, “Let it stay.” I’m like, “Oh yeah, I forgot.” So then I go sit in my room and I let it stay.

Now, why is all this happening? I have asked that question myself because I’ve spent a lot of years being really stable and really happy, even through a lot of ups and downs in my life and the world. But a few months ago, when I was headed to South Africa for my yearly visit, I knew I was going to have a long time to just be by myself and meditate. And I said, “I want to experience as much of the transformation of consciousness into something more awakened as I possibly can. I’m going to do a hardcore into wake up, wake up, do the spiritual awakening thing.”

Okay. Down to South Africa I went, and I meditated, and I started having intense experiences, some very magical and visionary, some really ordinary, hearing things that struck me as interesting, some to do with the clients and guests that I was working with there who were mirroring to me all the things that were going on for me. And I was feeling unable to guard myself from their feelings.

And nobody was doing anything excessive. It’s just that if somebody was grieving, I was right there with them. And if somebody was worried, I couldn’t control my emotions as much as I’m used to being able to. And then I’d go to meditate—and holy crap, every bit of stuff that I’ve ever processed in therapy or anything, it all came in for one more round or maybe one more round so far. Anyway, I realized that when you say the words, “Let it stay,” there are degrees of difference that it’s going to make in your life. So if I say, “Okay, I’m in a grumpy mood today. I’m feeling I didn’t get much sleep. I’m just generally irascible,” and I say, “Okay, let it stay,” what I find is that I’m like, “Good. I get to be grumpy. That makes me feel better. I am less grumpy.”

Now, this is—for years I’ve just been responding to negative emotions by saying, “Let it stay,” and it immediately starts to transmute into its opposite. So fear becomes courage, and grief becomes compassion and joy, and anger becomes ways to move forward toward justice. They get better. So “let it stay” was not that big a deal. But then I thought once about a puppy that came to my door. I had three little kids all under four, and this filthy little puppy came to the door, was literally at our front door just covered with mud, and I think it was, the breed was like Newfoundland. It was a big puppy. It was a baby, baby puppy, but it was a big baby. And it had very thick black fur, and I took it in and I gave it a bath, and I don’t know where it came from, but it wanted to be with me all the time. And I’m nursing one baby, I’ve got another one that can’t walk, I’ve got a toddler. And this puppy was so needy and I thought, “If I let it stay, I can’t, I’m not going to be able to take this on.” So I called the ASPCA and they helped find a home for the puppy, and everything went well.

If I had let the puppy stay, I would’ve had to change my life a lot, and it would’ve been kind of a lot of work. It also could have brought a lot of joy and a lot of goodness. So when my kids were a little bit older, I did in fact get a puppy—for them, ostensibly, but then they all went to school. And the puppy looked at me and I looked at the puppy, and something passed between us, and that was my dog. And I had to change everything I did. I had to start going for walks every day. I had to make sure that the puppy wasn’t alone too much because he was a beagle and they don’t like being alone.

So there are different levels of things that happen to your life when you let something stay. If you let a bad mood stay, it will transmute to a good one. If you let your grief stay, it will gradually become the seed of future joys. But if you decide you want to wake up spiritually, you want to undergo a transformation of consciousness, this is what I would have to tell you: Cancel all your plans because it is not going to leave you the same.

I can’t—I’m not in a normal state of mind here. I don’t think I’m insane. I’ve checked, many ways, mostly just by looking in the mirror and asking, “Am I crazy?” And then I asked my two partners, “Hey, two or 20,000, the pattern is the same.” And they say, “Uh, uh…” Karen’s like, y”You’re definitely insane,” and Ro is like undecided.

So I think I’m sane, Karen thinks I’m insane, Ro’s on the fence. I’m going with my instincts, right? But I’ve been having a really weird time of it. I wake up at night and I can feel loving presences with me that make me cry and cry and cry. I’ve been getting emails and texts from people I don’t know very well that I’ve crossed paths with, people I respect deeply who have hinted that they’re having similar experiences and want to talk to me about it. I haven’t connected with any of them yet, but I’m going to.

But it’s very weird. In one case I did, yeah, I had a call with someone I greatly admire, hadn’t spoken to her for eight months, and she started talking to me about exactly the same kinds of experiences that I’ve been having. Very specific ones, like having the overwhelming thought that I have to complete a circuit of some kind. I’m completing a circuit by sitting there and allowing all this energy to stay in my body. And the intense waves of electrical sensations, they’re pleasurable, but they’re weird.

So one of the people I crossed paths with that I don’t know very well is a fabulous person named Daphne Fuller. I met her in Imiloa in Costa Rica when we went there when we were prepping our Pure.Wild.Self Retreat, Ro and I. And Daphne was there, and she’s also a retreat leader and she’s amazing. And she has an Instagram and a website called Black Minds in Meditation, which I highly recommend. And she put up a meme, and I don’t know if she made it, but she put it up and I will read it to you because it basically describes exactly what’s happening to me. It starts with a label that says, “Spiritual awakening be like,” and then it has a list of things: “I was vibing.” Yes. “Then I cried for six months straight.” Check. “Then I forgave my whole bloodline.” Yes, indeed. That’s part of it. “Then I saw 444.” Okay, I had to Google this because I didn’t know that 444 is considered an angel number. For me, it’s—four in Chinese and Japanese is pronounced the same as the word for death. So in Chinese it’s “sì” and it means death, and it means four. So in Japanese hotels, they don’t have the fourth floor labeled “four” in hotels. It is like in America, some of the hotels don’t have a 13th floor because we have a superstition against the number 13. In Asia it’s four.

So when I see 444, I always joke with Ro that it’s ego death o’ clock. So it’s death o’ clock, but it’s specifically ego death o clock. So 444 is on this meme. So: “Forgave my whole bloodline. Saw 444. Then I quit my job. Then I got scared and tried to go back. Now I talk to trees.” This is pretty much my daily schedule, and I thought, “I really thought that I could just have a cool meditation retreat and come back just that much wiser and cooler.” And I let a puppy into the house that is tearing the furniture apart. Oh my heavens, a big spiritual puppy. And I don’t have it. It has me.

So I can’t let it go. I’m going to let it stay. And the reason I’m telling you this is because I’m basically unsound and desperate for your help. No, it’s because anything you let stay is going, if you do it with a full heart and you completely surrender to any experience, it ultimately tends to, it will turn out to be the power of the universe doing what it can to help you realize your full potential for happiness.

This is what I tell myself because I’ve been through iterations of this before. It’s very much like a spiral going up. So, “Oh, good, I’ve processed my whole child. I had therapy. I’m done with that.” Except that five years later I go through another spiral of growth and I have to redo all the childhood things. Then it happens again, but at a higher level, and it just goes up and up and up. And it actually gets more intense as you get more insight, and it feels like somebody is in there with steel wool scouring out the corners.

So if that’s happening to you, thanks for joining me. If it’s not happening to you, but you’re thinking, “Oh, that sounds interesting,” just cancel all your plans and hold the fort. It’s coming. And if it sounds completely alien, just sit with whatever is troubling you that you can’t get rid of, that you cannot let go, and let it stay. And talk to your friends about it. And look for amazing synchronicities like Daphne Fuller’s meme that described my whole life. And hang out with like-minded people. And you will be given information that will help you let it stay, and it will change everything—sometimes in little ways, sometimes in ways so big, you really can’t even cope.

I’m in the not-coping, but I’m going to let it stay. See what I did there? I can’t cope, so I can’t do this, but I’m not going to let it stop, so I’m going to do it. Haha! I have paradoxed myself.

So let’s do the Space, Silence, and Stillness meditation, and let’s put special focus on anything that’s in your life that you would like to let go of, but you can’t. Like something’s happening to you—an illness, a loss—you would love to just let it go, but it’s got you. Or from the inside, you’re feeling sad or scared or angry and it’s not changing. Let’s let that stay. Or if you think you might be turned upside down and the angels are shaking out all the crap that you’ve been building up for 60 years, join me. Let’s just let it stay.

Okay. First, get calm. Take some deep breaths, making sure that the exhale is longer than the inhale. A couple times. And then trick your mind with the strange little question: Can I imagine the distance between my eyes? So there in your heart is the thing that won’t let go of you. And instead of grappling with it, you simply allow it to be. And you ask yourself: Can I imagine the distance between my eyes? And that puts your brain into synchronous alpha. Can I imagine the distance between my forehead and the back of my head? Can I imagine the distance between the very crown of my head on the top and the whole length of my spine? Can I imagine the space inside my heart? Can I imagine space inside the atoms that make up my chest? Can I imagine the stillness in there under which or within which everything moves? Can I imagine the silence inside the space inside the atoms of myself? Can I imagine the space between all the people on this podcast and myself in this moment? Can I imagine the stillness full of love, full of kindness, aware, alive, loving me through whatever it is? Can I imagine that and allow the thing to stay, but fill it with the love that comes from space, stillness, and silence and realize that in the end, that’s what we came from and that’s what we all return to? And the whole time we’re held safe in suspension, in space, stillness, and silence.

So that really helps me let it stay with calm, but something deeper than that with a sense of stability that’s coming now from you and our connection and the space between us, which we just imagined. So I thank you, and I hope that you can feel me holding you stable wherever you are.

So let me look at the questions. The first one is, “How do you sit with the deep longing for a partner and let it stay when it seems long in coming?”

Oh, my goodness, I know this one by heart. And I can tell you there is something about the long wait for the person you’re longing for. And it doesn’t even have to be a romantic partner. It could be that you want a child or you want a parental figure, or you want friends. These are all intense states of yearning, and I believe they are literally magnetic, that they are actually connecting with the people that are meant to be in your life. And even with people who aren’t alive yet or who are not alive anymore. It’s one of the most interesting parts of this for me that I found myself in the company, I felt in the presence of people I love who’ve died. And there was this weird sense of “I should be really happy that this presence is here, but instead, I’m sad that you died. And yet you’re here, so I should be fine. But you died. So I’m very sad.” And I think when you’re yearning for someone who’s not there, it’s always that strange paradox where you are yearning for them because you feel the love that already exists between you or that has always existed between you, whether they’re unborn, dead, alive, distant, near, wherever. You would not feel the yearning if you did not feel the love. And if you let it stay, the yearning, what drops away over time is the pain of it. And what stays is the sweetness that you were yearning for all along. Sometimes that comes with the physical presence of another person or the birth of a baby to you, but sometimes it comes in a form you didn’t expect. Sometimes it comes when you don’t even think you want it that way. That’s why I have two partners because I was in a partnership with someone I deeply loved, and someone was missing for some reason, which would make no sense whatsoever until she showed up.

I hope that you have miracles that are that big—and much less socially awkward—happen to you. But I really, really believe that yearning contains love, and it’s sort of the package in which love is delivered. So as painful as it is, let it stay. And the painful part goes, the ache goes, and the joy appears. I’ve experienced that over and over and over. I believe it or I don’t not believe it.

Next question: “I feel like I’m slow dancing with burnout, and around me is a lot of outside pressure, mostly work. Learning how to sit with it seems like another task I lack capacity for. Any tricks?”

Yeah, I sit with the, if you feel around, even if you’re really exhausted, you’ll feel obstinacy or even anger or going up the scale full-,on rage at the thing that is pushing you into burnout. There’s a part of you that will want to show up to say, “Stop this nonsense,” and that’s what you need to let stay. Not the burnout situation, the deeper reaction to it. So whatever the surface emotion is, go deeper. If it’s yearning and you go deeper, you find love. If it’s burnout and you go deeper, you find resistance or rage because something is trying to save you, and it’s serious. I’m serious here. Let the rage be felt.

And I felt, for example, when I left Mormonism, which had burned me out thoroughly in all kinds of ways, or when I left academia, the anger at it had to come up, and it wasn’t the fault of the institutions. It was my system’s way of saying, “Not for me, thank you, not for me.” And if I hadn’t allowed it to come up and boil me alive, I wouldn’t have been able to break the threads that connected me to the things I was used to. But by allowing the emotion to come up under the burnout is always the thing that says, “Get me out of here.” Let that stay, and you’ll know what to do in time.

Next question: “How often should you look at vision boards after you create them?”

What a good question! Because that’ll bring up your yearning, folks. And sometimes that yearning when it is not fulfilled is painful. A vision board that hasn’t been fulfilled is something that is hard to look at sometimes. Let it stay. I would say if something doesn’t interest you, if it starts to seem boring or based on the wrong ideas, take it off. Yeah, I mean, don’t let it stay unless it wants to stay. The things that we should let stay are the things that won’t let us go. So keep that vision board up there, keep looking at things, and it makes you like a little targeted torpedo going toward a certain objective and finding its way through the atmosphere by sort of homing in on that image. So yeah, let that vision board stay, but take off the things that don’t have much heat for you.

Next question: “I want to experience this transformation.” Really? Because it’s gnarly. All right, anyway. “I want to experience this transformation, but I have responsibilities I can’t postpone or delegate. Any suggestions?”

Well, journaling helps. Basically, you’re going to have to show up. If what happens to me is going to happen to you, you’re going to show up a little frazzled for a while because it does want priority. It’s a little bit like going into labor. I remember going into labor for the first time and I had a lunch date with someone and I called her and I said, “I’m sorry, I can’t make it to lunch. I’m in labor.” And she’s like, “Well, how close are the contractions?” She still wanted lunch. She wanted lunch with me, and I just couldn’t. So there’ll be times when you try to show up for lunch, and you just can’t because your soul is going through a birthing experience. By and large, I manage to struggle my way into, you know, I put my butt in this chair and turn on the machine and say, “All right, I’ll rest on the energy of the people who come to The Gathering Room, and we’ll talk about the truth.” And that always seems to help me show up. So yeah, as much as you can, tell the truth, let yourself be frazzled. Allow that to stay and then just go to the place you’re supposed to be. And they say 90% of the task is showing up. Show up as best you can.

Question: “How to let go of fear of inability to financially thrive or even just be financially secure?”

Gosh, this is the monster of our culture. And yet when I ask people what makes them happy, I just did this on our summer course call, everyone lists things that don’t cost much money. And when I say to people, “What have you done that you didn’t think you could ever do?” the list is never ending. We are so resourceful. We are so capable of solving problems if we free ourselves from the cultural nightmare that says it’s all about earning money and you have to have a factory job to do it. Let it stay and examine it: “I can’t make a living. Is that true?” Go at that thought like a scientist. Figure out any possible flaw in its reasoning.

And your brain is so socialized into this one, so acculturated that it will say, “Well, there is no other reality.” Keep going. You know why you know how to keep going? It’s that that thought won’t let you rest. So let it stay and then examine it until it starts to, until it starts to break down, until the pain of it starts to break down. Underneath the need to make money is the need to feel secure in the world and that you’re going to be cared for. That’s the good stuff. Keep poking that thought until you get to the confidence at your core that says, “I will be fine. I have always been fine to this point. I will be fine until I die, and then I will die and be fine.” So best of luck with that. It’s a horrible thing to get stuck with and everybody’s stuck with it.

All right, next question: “I slowly, almost imperceptibly became what you become after you’ve been abused, violated, exiled, and only now remembering I’m not that. How and what do I let stay here? I want to remember.”

I had exactly the same experience. I just went through the whole emotion of it all over again at a different, from a different angle in the last couple of months. And the one thing I would say is that it happened again. I went even deeper into forgiving my entire bloodline because I actually couldn’t really deny the presence loving spiritual beings. It was very, very strong. And I decided, all right, I don’t really believe it, but I’m going to really, really allow myself to not not believe it. I’m going to decide to just say, “All right, let’s pretend they’re here, these loving beings that are caring for me.”

Now, in I went to the whole mess all over again because it is the witness of those loving presences that allows you to offload that experience of trauma. And I was given real human beings who came and had similar traumas to mine, and as they went through theirs, it reawakened mine, and we both grieved together. And being seen that way helps you. I don’t know how long that process is for me. It’s been ages. Oh my gosh, I’m so tired of dealing with things that happened to me in my childhood, but they still come back occasionally. But I do know that it’s meaningful, that it is incredibly valuable, that inside that trauma there are jewels that you came here to collect and all the rest will drop away, I promise you. So you just have to trust the process and let it stay because it ain’t going anywhere. It’s got you, you don’t have it.

Two more questions: “Is a flow state required to recognize synchronicities?”

Not really. But it helps. What also helps is optimism. Like saying, “Well, maybe there’s something that’s going to help me today.” Just allow for a little shred of it because otherwise you’ll filter out your attention and you won’t see the things that are trying to help you. The moment you turn your attention aperture toward things that support you, they start to pop everywhere. And you can do that with attention to anything. Think about cardboard boxes, and you’ll see them everywhere. Think about bluebirds, and you’ll see them everywhere. Think about things that are here to support and love you. You’ll see them everywhere.

And then the final question is: “Do you recommend me to become Mormon?”

Oh, honey, if you want to go through a spiritual hell fire, yeah, sure. Go for it. No. I mean, if you want to be Mormon, that’s your path, that’s great. I will not be there. And I’ll be, if the Mormons are right, I really won’t ever see you again because you’re going to be in heaven, and I’m going to be in outer darkness. So yeah, go for it. Let it stay, baby.

And I will end with one thing. When I was struggling with getting, with the fact that Mormonism wasn’t working for me anymore, an ex-Mormon friend said to me exactly this. She said, “Stay as long as you possibly can.” I would say that with anything you’re trying to escape, let it stay as long as you possibly can. And the moment I gave it permission to stay, I was like, “Okay, bye. I’m out.”

Because there’s something about dropping resistance and letting things stay when you can’t let them go that frees up the energy of your higher self and the universe, and whatever words we want to use to move you forward towards something wonderful.

And you are wonderful to be here today. And I adore you, and I can’t wait now, my clock says 3:33, which has got to be some weird synchronicity, too, right? Nah, who knows? I don’t know, maybe so. I’m going to let that stay. And I’m going to let your energy stay with me through this whole week until we see each other again here at The Gathering Room.