Then I was reading a book by Geneen Roth who wrote Women, Food, and God. She was talking about how she and her husband invested with a guy they knew. I think he was a friend of a friend, but he was like the best investor in the world. And they put their money with him in their later years and they were set for life, except his name was Bernie Madoff. And he was running a Ponzi scheme that actually lost 37,000—more than 37,000 people lost at least some money to this scheme. And many of them lost everything. And Geneen Roth and her husband lost everything. So set for life? Yeah! Not.

Set for life? Yeah! Not. You get married, that person can never leave you. They’ll always be faithful because it’s the law and it’s the rules. You’re set for life. Except more often than not, it doesn’t go that way.

There are all these set-for-life things, and we love to think that we’re set for life. We think, “Oh, if there were just that number in the bank account or on the scale or in our age bracket or whatever, we would need set for life.” But here’s the thing, we can never be set for life because life isn’t set. So last week I was talking about the difference between living life to make things solid and concrete and life that makes things fluid and loose. And here’s the thing, life is more a fluid than a solid. And everything in our lives is more a fluid than a solid. So I walk in right now, we have an interesting phenomenon in one of our potted plants. We got this very high-quality soil and in the soil came the spores of something called flour pot mushrooms.

Have you ever seen these things? They’re brilliant yellow and they just pop up and it takes them, you see these tiny yellow things coming up and then suddenly there’s a whole bunch of mushrooms. And then you look at them later that day and they’re huge. And then you come back 48 hours later and they’ve already matured, spread their spores again and they’re dead and they’re now being eaten by other fungi. And then a few days later you see more tiny yellow little fruiting bodies sprouting up as mushrooms. We got these six chicks because in New York State, it is illegal to own more than zero, but less than six chickens. So you can have zero chickens and the law won’t be set upon you. And you have six chickens, you’re safe. You’re set for life. Until something happens to one of the chickens, then you’ve only got five and then you’re in breach of the law, which I think is wonderful that there’s a law that you, because chickens need at least six of each other to be happy apparently. And I love that they’re taking care of the chickens that way. Anyway, we got these little fluff balls like two weeks ago and now they’re the size of a serious city pigeon and they’re behaving in very velociraptor ways. And they’ve got weird, skanky half fuzz, half feathers. And you see them, they’ll stretch out one leg and one wing on the same side at the same time and the wing, you can see that it’s bigger than the last time you checked. It’s crazy how fast these things are growing. Excuse me. And then our wonderful dog, the best dog ever, Bilbo Baggins, we thought that he was in love with the chickens because he watches them all day and then he stopped eating chicken.

And then we had to make eggs for him because apparently that’s not so bad. But now he won’t eat eggs either. And it looks like there’s something that is maybe wrong with him. And I think, “But Bilbo Baggins is a young spry puppy,” only he’s not. He’s at least 12. And yeah, in dog years, that’s kind of a lot. So I’m looking at all these living organisms. I watch life flowing in. Those chickens, they just go… And then they’re adult chickens and then they’re not chickens anymore. And the mushrooms are like as fast as you can see. And dogs age so much faster than we wish they would. And it reminds us that we’re all in that process. We have different feathers and different heights than we did a few hours ago. We have different fingernail lengths and different cell ages and different numbers of cells.

The fluidity of life is manifesting literally everything we do. So the moral of this is stop trying to be set for life. That’s not possible. Life cannot be set. Life by definition, by nature, is not set.

Well then, what do we have left? Interestingly, I’m so glad you asked because there is a state, a psychological state that Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, one of the great psychological researchers on happiness, he labeled it “flow,” this psychological state. And it’s the maximum amount of joy a human brain can experience. And it’s the perfect balance of dopamine and serotonin and adrenaline, all the other brain hormones. This state is wonderful. And he called it flow because it happens when we’re totally absorbed in something that is flowing through the present moment. So it happens in sports. If they’re trying to master some kind of a sport and they’re very, very present with it, like surfing or skiing, those are two that you have to be incredibly present because you’re moving at high speeds and you’re playing with the dynamics of physics and things can go very wrong if you don’t relax into those physics, into the fluidity of the motion.

When we’re creating, this is when I wrote my book Beyond Anxiety, I pretty much convinced myself, if not everyone else, that the state of creativity is a brain state that is very blissful and absorbed. And it’s because when you’re really creating, like if you’re really playing music, you’re not following a pattern of notes so much as hearing the sound you’re making while you do something with your body. So there’s as much listening as there is performance and that is an incredibly intense focus. When you paint or draw, you have to be just all eyes. And the fine motor movements of your hand are sort of secondary. It’s how you see the world. If you’re drawing from life, if you’re drawing something from life like a portrait, total absorption, total almost obsession with what that three-dimensional object is beaming at you so that you can reproduce it in two dimensions.

Meditation is a form of flow. And it’s probably the most challenging of all. We’re going to do it in a few minutes because it is complete absorption in the present moment without a real point of focus and effort. The body’s not moving at all. So it’s just pure attention. And it really is the hardest thing because any time you’re in motion, more of your brain is going to be active and you’re going to get more of a chance to lock into what’s happening right now. But if you do meditation and you can be absolutely present without moving at all and what you probably discover if you’ve ever done this, what I discovered when I started doing it, was that when your attention is completely focused on the now, there is this rapid sort of, not even rapid, instantaneous explosion of perception that allows you to feel that state of bliss.

It’s not the object. None of these things are the object of the game. You don’t meditate for the state of bliss necessarily because you can’t sustain it. It’s not set. They say enlightenment is an accident, but meditation makes you accident-prone. And drawing or painting or music or dance or sports, they also make you accident-prone. They make you prone to the state of perfect still awareness in a moving system. It’s this little paradox at the crux of our perception, and our brains just go to town on this and the whole body feels lit up when we can do that.

So I was talking about “be like water” last week. And now I’m thinking that if you want to know how to live like water, you have to fall into the present moment. Let go of the rigid focus on control that seems to dominate so much of human life. And you do kind of a trust fall and the place that catches you, the thing that catches you is whatever is happening right now, right now, which is the only point of reality you’ll ever experience. So reality catches you.

The idea that we can set ourselves or set anything takes us out of reality, focuses on the future and the disappointments of our past. And we lose the very life we think we’re setting for. But when we let go of the grip on setting things and we just fall into fluidity, we disappear into flow, into the absolutely focused perception of what’s happening right now, here, now, using any kind of meditative practice from the arts to sports to just sitting. When that happens, the flow of now catches us and carries us.

And I know, like I look at Bilbo, I don’t care so much about the mushrooms or even the chickens yet, not as much as I care about Bilbo. I would really like for Bilbo never to get old and die. But as long as I set myself against that, I’m fighting reality and I will not be able to relax. I will keep trying to make him set for life and I will miss life in the effort to set, to cling, to attach.

But if I look at Bilbo Baggins, which I did today after he didn’t eat his eggs, and I think about the incredible little spirit that’s in there. He’s the only dog I’ve ever had that looks you deeply into your eyes when he’s saying he loves you. He just gazes into people’s eyes for minutes on end. And if I could get lost in his sweet little animal gaze and feel this incredible love and the grief that says “This is not set, this moment is flowing onward,” then I get to experience the preciousness of every single now that we came in to experience. It’s so many nows. We get so many nows, but we never can get it set.

So trustfall today. If there’s something that is changing in a way you wish it wouldn’t change, take a deep breath, come right here into the present moment, and trustfall into reality as it is and you’ll find that you’re okay. You’re always okay. Huh? You’re always okay. In all my much listening to near-death experiences, hundreds of them, stories online, one thing that people say over and over again is that even at the point of almost being dead, when they relaxed and stopped trying to grip, suddenly there was a huge decrease in suffering, sometimes total decrease in suffering. Sometimes that’s when they popped out of their bodies and were pronounced temporarily dead and then came back. So even in those extreme circumstances, to trustfall into the now, to come into the flow of life instead of trying to make it set, apparently is the magical way out of suffering.

So let’s do some meditation now, and we’ve been doing for ages. I long ago did this Space, Silence, and Stillness meditation. Several people said they wanted to have that every time so we did it every time. Last time I changed it, and I think that was good too. And some people like that too. So I’m going to do it a little bit differently today.

Please get settled. Get as relaxed as you can. Give us a deep exhale, deep inhale first and then a long exhale. And then see if you can relax your body into whatever it’s feeling now. If it’s in pain, paradoxically, see if you can relax into the center of the pain. Something I’ve done when I’ve been in a lot of pain and something I do every day when I’m in a little pain, which is a lot of the time.

So relax into now and then ask yourself the curious question which needs no answer: Can I imagine the distance between my eyes? Can I imagine the space inside the matter between my eyes? Can I imagine the atoms between my eyes, which are almost all made up of space?

Can I imagine that even the tiny bit of my atoms that is not made up of space made up of movement, of flow, of continuous change, of wave patterns up, down, in, out? Infinite wave patterns. Every one of your trillions of cells is made of atoms that are all containing flow. Can I imagine the fluidness of the matter that is my body? Can I imagine the silence in which the waves of sound move through the world? Can I imagine the absolute stillness through which life flows and the way it loves the flow of life? Can I imagine that flow moving through everyone on this broadcast and everyone listening? Infinite waves of energy touching each other, dancing with each other, blending into one another, all one flow of life. Can I imagine myself flowing without impediment and without fear into all the varied circumstances of my life? Flowing as easily as water flows downhill, flowing around all solid-seeming things and situations, flowing into matter and out again, and in and out as life becomes matter and lets go and becomes matter again.

Okay. So that is a really fun meditation to do for like, I don’t know, I did it this morning for 20 minutes and it’s really sweet. Really sweet. And thank you for joining me today in that.

So let’s do some questions. Question: “I have ADHD,” only it’s spelled A-U-H. Oh, autism. I thought it was ADHD, but misspelled the way I misspell things. Autism. What is AudHD? It’s ADHD with autism. ADHD with autism. Okay. “And CPTSD. I really struggle to stay with meditation and I really want to do it, but struggle so much to do it. Not sure what my question is, but any tips on how to get into meditation?”

Absolutely. Keep moving. I also have all those things, except to the extent that C-PTSD can be resolved, I think I’ve resolved it. But yeah, you stay in motion because part of your psyche knows that motion is the natural state of life, not stillness. Meditation is brutal for a long time, for me it was, because it resists that need to move. But if you can start moving, especially if you’re autistic, if you have any stims that work for you, I did a lot of rocking. I still do. But also just walking or rowing. I have a rowing machine. It’s a wonderful thing that calms my nervous system really well. And when I was having PTSD flashbacks and things, walking and moving and rocking and all those things kept my body in motion. And all of that happening, here’s the one thing I would say is keep that going, but without gritting your teeth or holding your breath. Keep everything loose and fluid. Even if there’s fear, even if there’s horror, even if you feel like you’re going to lose your mind, keep everything flowing loosely because it’s the clenching that makes it torturous. As soon as you start moving, this is another stim. As soon as you start moving, the natural fluidity of experience starts to flow through the body, through the nervous system. And I think it kind of allows those things to be resolved in a way that’s more pleasant for the body, more healing. Certainly with C-PTSD, it does that. The other thing I think is just a brain difference. It’s not any better or worse than any other brain, but it makes things a lot more fun in there, especially when you have to sit still with other people who do not have autism/ADHD. So thank you for that question.

All right, next question: “How do we balance flow while also being disciplined with our craft and how Liz Gilbert talks about the kitchen timer? Liz says the kitchen timer and she writes until it goes off. Both flow and discipline help me, but doing it only when inspired versus set times, what’s the best idea?”

I think you do, it’s sort of, I don’t know if it’s paradoxical, but it’s definitely mind-boggling. You have to be regular and balanced and loose and fluid all at the same time. And this is why flow, as Csikszentmihalyi described it, is so rare to attain. You go into the setting of discipline. So you go to climb the rock or surf the wave or write the novel, whatever it is. And you do it for a certain amount of time and you keep yourself in the practice of it. And the whole time you’re trying to let go into something that is beyond the calculating mind. And I think what happens is the more you practice a thing, the more you find these moments of flow in it, and then they’re so rewarding, they’re so reinforcing that you go back and do it again. And over time, your nervous system learns to go into flow. So then you see people who are surfing these incredible waves or playing these incredible musical pieces or writing incredible novels like Liz does. And it’s about being disciplined enough to go into the place where flow can take you. And you can never predict when it will. And I’ve talked to Liz about this many times. She can never predict when it will. She’s really good. And the flow usually takes her, but she can’t predict when it will or it won’t. So you show up. But even that, if you think one day, “I have to do my practice” and everything in you says no, you flow with that too. You find out—Byron Katie says, one of my friends asked her, “How do you set your schedule when you’re living just in response to what is?” And she said, “Well, I get up and I wash my face and then I just watch the day unfold.” And very often she makes appointments and keeps them. And sometimes she makes appointments and decides to cancel. Nothing is set in stone, but things are set in flow. It’s the paradox of fluid dynamics. It flows through a channel and we can’t predict how it will flow through the channel, but we know if it flows through the channel enough times, it will create the effect we want. It’s a very exciting way to live actually.

Question: “How can we be that present when moving, carrying on with things?”

It’s hard. And life is so full of disruptions, and we live in this society where things are so rigidly scheduled. Oh my goodness, we are rigidly scheduled. And so it’s very hard to be fully present while following the demands of a schedule that is supposed to be set. So I think you take little islands of time, I call them time islands, and you spend them going into flow.

So I used to journal a lot. That was my way into flow if I just had five minutes. Lately I’ve been painting more or playing the piano, walking. There are all kinds of things that I do to find these islands of time where I can go into flow and then I can show up here at The Gathering Room more or less on time, and more or less read the things. And on the times that I can’t, I can’t. And you are all wonderful enough to flow with me through that, and I can flow with you. It’s wonderful when you start to realize that people are flowing with you, that the flow picks us all up and moves us all. That’s what I’m finding in our online community in the Wayfinder Coach Training. All of it is like people start flowing with the same rhythms and having similar experiences and the same kinds of epiphanies. And it’s like, “Oh my God, the flow is moving us all.” And that never happens when I’m trying to be set. Yeah.

Okay: “Do you think we are able to be deep in the moment if we are in survival mode? Or do we need a certain level of peace to do so?”

Weirdly enough, people in genuine survival mode very often pop into flow. It’s when we’re trying to keep ourselves out of dangerous situations, when we’re trying to get rigid about it, that I think we can’t. And most of us call that “survival mode” because we’re rigid and fear-based and everything. But when you’re in the moment and an actual survival moment comes up, like what looks like a car accident about to happen or whatever, what happens then is the brain just takes over and it just mandates: “We’re going into flow.” And you start to experience things like the flow of time getting slower and being incredibly aware of every position of everything on the road. So it’s the mode of trying to be set for life—that’s what keeps us out of flow. If we’re in flow and we need to survive, flow will help us. So yeah, letting go of being set is kind of the moral of the day.

Question: “How can you be continuously in the now, or is this a contradiction because too much striving for the now? I think I would like that.”

Yeah, striving takes you out of the now even if you’re striving for the now, which is funny when you think about it. And the moment you start to laugh, you’re in flow. Whenever you start to allow the absurdity of life to just move you, when you surrender to the fact that this really can’t be done, this paradigm can never be fully achieved, you’re not even trying to achieve that. You’re not even trying to flow into flow. You’re just trust falling into the moment. It is not, “I am going to do this flow thing.” It is, “I can control nothing. I’m going to fall, fall into this moment of whatever it brings. Grief, joy, pain, pleasure, whatever it is, I’m just going to fall into it. And then the next moment’s going to be different. I don’t know how, but it’s going to be different.” And eventually, every up wave has a down wave until you flow out of the physical universe when I don’t know what happens, but I think it’s going to be fun.

Question: “It feels hard to get into flow in modern life with the constant tasks. Feels hard to not address. What’s the solution?”

Yep. Give yourself those time islands. Show up for what you feel moved to show up to, but also be very sensitive. If the flow of your life is pulling hard away from something that you think you’re supposed to do, and it happens over and over, the flow may want to take you out of that. And if the flow seems to want to take you towards something that you think you should spend less time doing, that’s just a hobby. Flow into it. Let yourself flow and flow around the obstacles in your schedule and the appointments you have to keep.

“What does this mean if it’s meant to be or it wasn’t meant to be? If it’s meant to be, it will be, or if it isn’t meant to be, it will be? I am confused.” I am too. “I’m confused because we are powerful creators and manifestors, but then there’s fate.”

Well, I think that there is a part of ourselves that is powerful creation, manifestation, magical thing. But here is what I have found out. It only works when you’re present in the now. If you are grasping, trying to be set for life, you’re trying to make something happen with your brain, calculating how you’re going to set it in place and it’s never going to leave you again—doesn’t work, does not work. When you say, “I can control nothing, therefore I’m going to fall into the present moment and I’m going to let myself flow where I’m taken,” that is when I believe a higher self is driving. And that higher self will send things to you, not as prescriptions on the internet, unless it’s pulling you very strongly emotionally toward that thing on the internet. But it will pull you there as longing, as delight, as joy, as almost the seductive fascination of something that feels alive to you. It is not creating by gritting your teeth and following all the rules. It is creating by releasing all control, falling into now and saying, “Oh wow, I wish this thing would happen so much that I can practically taste it.” Those are the things that happen. I have found this to be true and I’ve been practicing for a long time. So I think you’ll probably benefit from trying this.

So today’s moral: You can never be set for life because life isn’t set, but if you fall into the now, life will take care of you because life always flows and you were meant to flow. And the state of flow is the state of joy. And the state of joy puts us back into flow.

I love you for flowing here with me today and I will see you next time on The Gathering Room. Bye.