Just when you thought no creature could have a name worse than “oak titmouse,” behold: the “Dog Vomit” Slime Mold. Which is an actual thing. (Right? I know!)

Anyway, slime mold behaves like a bunch of isolated, single-celled organisms until the cells suddenly decide to cohere and act like a single creature, creating polyps and fruiting bodies. This totem creature combines the aesthetic appeal of vomit with the style and verve of an aggressive fungus. What fun!

“Dog Vomit” Slime Mold is the totem beast of self-obsession, sustained dismay, and disorganized loathing. It often leads to institutionalization, or, worse, the writing of a memoir. When “Dog Vomit” Slime Mold seeps its way into your life, use its energy to send ranting, accusatory emails to ex-lovers, relatives, and casual acquaintances. Become hysterical. Come unglued. Then, just when everyone thinks you’re incapable of coherent behavior, rear up and become a human polyp, sowing seeds of your hideous mood among all you encounter.

If “Dog Vomit” Slime Mold is your totem…gaah!  Ick ick, ick, ick, ick!

That is all.