Hagfish, also called “slime eels,” are similar to (follow closely, here) extremely slimy eels. Some experts call them “a degenerate type of vertebrate-fish” because they have skulls but no vertebrae. Others just avoid them.

In addition to its degeneracy, Hagfish energy is spineless, squishy, slithery, and rank. If Hagfish is your totem, don’t assume you must necessarily become a politician. You could also start your own religion, marry a series of rich, aging spouses and drop them off at no-kill shelters, or produce a reality show—whatever requires the least backbone.

If Hagfish shlurps its way into your life, first ask yourself what the hell you’re doing at the bottom of the ocean. Then start to imagine all the ways you can behave immorally while slithering away from responsibility. Park in handicapped zones! Eat the last cupcake! Steal someone’s identity! The trail of slime you leave will give you away, but odds are you’ll just squish merrily on, because no one will ever, ever want to touch you.