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    Oak Titmouse is a small bird the color of dry bark, with black eyes and a jaunty little crest. Unfortunately, its name was chosen by middle-school boys high on cough syrup, and made official by sex-starved geek biologists. Now the Oak Titmouse is stuck with a label no one can get past.

    If Oak Titmouse flutters into your life, you are probably holding onto moronic traditions from your family of origin, e.g., “Of course I beat my children. I’m Talullah Heiniehumper, and that’s how Heiniehumpers roll.” Titmouse teaches you to close your claws tightly and proudly around all that baggage.

    Titmouse energy is bigoted, insulting, and hypersensitive. It can guide you unerringly to a soulmate just as dysfunctional as yourself, or spark sibling rivalry that may well end in murder. Channel your Titmouse totem through tantrums or silent treatments. Spend twenty years in therapy, but never change. Then feel superior. Things could be worse. You could be called Fir Mousetit.