You may think that a huge carnivorous dinosaur would be a good animal totem. It’s so strong and sassy and rambunctious. But in truth, T-Rex energy is the ultimate inner lizard, the totem of fight-or-flight reactions so severe they’ll cause you to burn down your house because there’s a spider in the basement.

As you can see from this totally un-Photo-Shopped photograph of me on my ranch, I myself have a Tyrannosaurus Rex as a totem. (The one pictured was sent to me recently by an anonymous donor. Probably Jesus.) If T-Rex is your totem it will look much like mine, except dressed like you. Look behind you. It’s probably there right now.

I call upon T Rex energy when it’s time to panic—and when isn’t it? Between this massive totem and equally massive doses of caffeine, I always have energy for catastrophic fantasies and useless emotional thrashing. So when Tyrannosaurus Rex sinks his massive teeth into the flimsy Volkswagen of your life, come and find me. We will freak out together until we are obliterated by a giant meteorite, which will be exactly what we expected.