unnamed-4

    Gophers are dirt-brown rodents with tiny eyes who hoard food in their large, fur-lined cheek pouches, bite aggressively when threatened, and use their hairy tails to feel around when they walk backward through their subterranean tunnels. In other words, they’re just like your Aunt Helga. (Remember Helga? She used to come over a lot when you were little, before she went to prison. She taught you to chew tobacco.)

    If, like Helga, you have the Gopher as your totem animal, you like to undermine others and back out of commitments at the last minute, by the hair of your tail. You appear torpid and sluggish, but can deliver a mean comment like a chomp to the ankle of anyone who offends you. When Gopher energy tunnels up into your life, you’ll have extra enthusiasm for playing dirty, stealing, ruining projects, and hoarding other people’s possessions. Enjoy all the vindictive joy Gopher brings to your life. Keep it in your large, fur-lined cheek pouches.