Lame Animal Totem: Gnu

gnuCompared to former Lame Animal Totems, such as the blobfish, this month’s winner is downright fetching. Compared to most animals, however, it is not. I speak of the the gnu (wildebeest), an antelope that looks as if it were assembled by a committee of people deeply angry at each other, and which could not win a battle of wits with a cantaloupe.

If wildebeest is your totem, you wield the awesome power of extreme awkwardness and profound stupidity combined. Use gnu energy at parties, driving others away from your favorite foods with your honking voice, lack of focus, and random, frightening bursts of sprinting. As a gnu person you should party often, because you’ll probably die young. No worries, though; you’ll leave behind approximately four hundred descendants. Your funeral will be a poignant festival of honking, butting, and sprinting into walls, though none of your descendants will be bright enough to recall what they’re doing there.

2 replies
  1. Kathy Pfeiffer
    Kathy Pfeiffer says:

    My parents actually called each other gnu as a pet name while growing up in the 1960’s. My father, the smarter of the two, told us it was a cute antelope animal. Little did I know, how much like a real gnu my mother was. After reading this article, I wonder if my late father was giving us a clue to her character by calling her a gnu. I think imagining my mother as a gnu now will help me expect nothing less when I encounter her. Thank you Martha for clearing this up!

  2. Lisa
    Lisa says:

    One of my exes called me Gnu.
    Some of it was my ADHD the rest of it was a bad pairing.
    Thank goodness he’s an ex!

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