Millipede

    I know we’d all love to have a porcupine that jumps around and seems to flee from invisible foes as our spirit animal, but that’s just too bad—you can’t always get what you want. This month’s Lame Animal Totem is the millipede…specifically the kind captured by ring-tailed lemurs, who squeeze the millipedes until they exude a poisonous liquid. The lemurs rub the millipede venom on their fur, then stagger around with glazed eyes, foaming happily at the mouth. They carefully release the millipedes back into the wild to continue doing what millipedes do best: producing more venom and having feet. Many, many feet.

    If your spirit animal is the millipede, no one likes you. Some people may appear friendly, but they just want to goad you into doing that thing you do, so that they can send you away, rub each other’s backs, and gossip about your toxicity.

    Use millipede energy to nurse your grievances into huge deposits of rage, self-pity, and all other forms of emotional poison. This may attract someone whose spirit animal is the ring-tailed lemur, and they may squeeze you, and this will probably be the closest you’ll ever get to a fulfilling sexual relationship. If they don’t let you go afterward, put your foot down. They may stomp on it, but don’t worry. You have plenty more.