You step into the party feeling reasonably confident. True, your favorite little black dress feels somewhat tight, but it’s still elegant, and the wind outside only tousled your hair a little. Then, just as you’re preparing to mingle, it happens: You pass a mirror and glimpse your reflection—your horrifying, horrifying reflection. The dress isn’t just tight; it fits like Luciano Pavarotti’s diving suit. Your hair looks as though a crazed weasel nested, bore young, and died there. Aghast, you wobble off your high heels and sprain an ankle. All eyes are glued on you. All conversation focuses on your [...]

This year was going to be the one when I finally did the holidays right. I was going to be both pragmatic and intuitive, jolly and serene, organized and free-flowing, and full of holiday joy.

Two words: face plant.

If you happen to be in a counseling profession (life coaching, social work, parenthood, cocaine sales) you know that December is not so much a month as a recursive disease, like malaria. It makes humans jumpy, gloomy, and fussy. This year, just when I thought I was immune, I had a grand mal attack of the Decembers.

To those who talked me down [...]

Just when you thought no creature could have a name worse than “oak titmouse,” behold: the “Dog Vomit” Slime Mold. Which is an actual thing. (Right? I know!)

Anyway, slime mold behaves like a bunch of isolated, single-celled organisms until the cells suddenly decide to cohere and act like a single creature, creating polyps and fruiting bodies. This totem creature combines the aesthetic appeal of vomit with the style and verve of an aggressive fungus. What fun!

“Dog Vomit” Slime Mold is the totem beast of self-obsession, sustained dismay, and disorganized loathing. It often leads to institutionalization, or, worse, the writing [...]

Several years ago, four of my friends—Marlene, Ellie, Karla, and Chip—all resolved to get in shape and lose weight. Now, these people had never met, so the odds of their making exactly the same resolution were…actually quite predictable, since pretty much everybody puts fitness on their New Year’s resolutions list. There are rumors of humans who’ve never resolved to eat less and move more, but until scientists discover concrete evidence (hair, fibers, DNA-smeared doughnut boxes), we must assume they exist only in hallucinations of ordinary people who’ve been weakened by months and months of dieting.

At any rate, by February [...]

“If only I were free enough/ rich enough/ young enough/ supported enough to do what I want, my life would be perfect.” 

I’ve heard some version of this sentiment from literally thousands of people. I’ve also noticed that what these people lack is almost never the freedom, money, youth, or support they think they need. What’s really holding them back is simply that they don’t know what they want.

This is how most of my coaching conversations start out:

ME: So, what do you want to experience during your life? CLIENT: Yeah, that’s the question, isn’t it? ME: Yes, and I’m asking it. What [...]

Oak Titmouse is a small bird the color of dry bark, with black eyes and a jaunty little crest. Unfortunately, its name was chosen by middle-school boys high on cough syrup, and made official by sex-starved geek biologists. Now the Oak Titmouse is stuck with a label no one can get past.

If Oak Titmouse flutters into your life, you are probably holding onto moronic traditions from your family of origin, e.g., “Of course I beat my children. I’m Talullah Heiniehumper, and that’s how Heiniehumpers roll.” Titmouse teaches you to close your claws tightly and proudly around all that baggage.

Titmouse [...]